I should probably be dead.

Sarah Evans
QZ Zone, Central California

How the fuck am I surviving in this place? I guess I'm lucky QZs exist. If they weren't here, I probably would have just covered myself in salt and grenades and run screaming at the nearest pile of uglies.

After seeing that there are other places that have been killing off non-essential animals, I'm even more grateful that my cat is content to sit in my room and chill by himself. The noises make him nervous but he has a window, and if I lost him after losing everything else I'd probably go insane.

I'm almost certain my family is dead. I hear my mom in my head sometimes, just laughing or the way she'd tell me that I could survive anything, but...my depression, you guys, it's kicking my ass.

I mean I guess at least I've lost weight in this situation, that's something. But it's harder and harder to get out of bed. It's harder and harder to come on here and read your words and form words of my own that are even remotely coherent.

I wish I had faith. I wish that I'd found it again after I lost it. Maybe believing in a higher power would make this easier.

I wish I just knew, you know? One way or the other. If they were alive or not. I wish I just knew. Then I could stop living in this world of "but what if they're not dead, though?" Then I could stop thinking that maybe I should just do it again, take my cat and my laptop and my car and head to Missouri, try to find them. It'd be suicide.

I miss them so much. It was different to be apart from them when I knew they were just a phone call or Facebook message or text away.

Sorry for being a Debbie Downer. I just have to be so positive all the time here, for the kids. Keep that customer service game face on.

Anyways, I'm still alive. Sort of. Hang in there.