I should probably be dead.

Sarah Evans
QZ Zone, Central California

How the fuck am I surviving in this place? I guess I'm lucky QZs exist. If they weren't here, I probably would have just covered myself in salt and grenades and run screaming at the nearest pile of uglies.

After seeing that there are other places that have been killing off non-essential animals, I'm even more grateful that my cat is content to sit in my room and chill by himself. The noises make him nervous but he has a window, and if I lost him after losing everything else I'd probably go insane.

I'm almost certain my family is dead. I hear my mom in my head sometimes, just laughing or the way she'd tell me that I could survive anything, but...my depression, you guys, it's kicking my ass.

I mean I guess at least I've lost weight in this situation, that's something. But it's harder and harder to get out of bed. It's harder and harder to come on here and read your words and form words of my own that are even remotely coherent.

I wish I had faith. I wish that I'd found it again after I lost it. Maybe believing in a higher power would make this easier.

I wish I just knew, you know? One way or the other. If they were alive or not. I wish I just knew. Then I could stop living in this world of "but what if they're not dead, though?" Then I could stop thinking that maybe I should just do it again, take my cat and my laptop and my car and head to Missouri, try to find them. It'd be suicide.

I miss them so much. It was different to be apart from them when I knew they were just a phone call or Facebook message or text away.

Sorry for being a Debbie Downer. I just have to be so positive all the time here, for the kids. Keep that customer service game face on.

Anyways, I'm still alive. Sort of. Hang in there.

Thanks for the information!

Sarah Evans
QZ Zone, Central California

Firstly: Thank you to everyone who's been keeping up with this. Thank you, Pastor Dan, for the warning about the screamers. I relayed that to my commanders as soon as possible. And Marjolaine, thank you for the warning about the water. We haven't really had any of the dead close to our supplies, but we reinforced the barriers around our water barrels just in case.

We don't get to catch much rainwater, here. Drought, and all. Usually we recycle it - run it through a few filters, pop some purification tabs, and no one can tell the difference.

And DZ! Thank you for checking in! Your last post had me so worried. I'm glad you're okay.

I'm glad everyone's (mostly) okay.

The guy whose wife and child died is actually doing better. I didn't think he was going to make it, but he bonded with a couple kids who came to us without parents. He's very nurturing. I'm keeping an eye on him as best I can, when I can, but it's nice to have some help tending the kids while the parents are busy.

Anyways, I don't have a lot of time - gotta start cooking - but I just wanted to pop on and say thank you to everyone. Coming here and reading these other voices, knowing that people are out there and living and working and fighting, gives me strength. You're all wonderful.

Keep an eye out, and stay strong, and safe. Love you all.